I am thinking too much about my Ivory Coast girlfriend, I have traveled too far away from her.
Sat, 21 Jul 2012 02:54:07
Love for me is Fear
I am Andy Lee Graham, and I have never been married, but I know it is still possible at age 56 to marry and have children. I think of a couple of women on the planet an inordinate amount, in a way, every woman I ever meet is compared to them.
There exist women with outstanding beauty of spirity.
There exist women with outstanding beauty of body.
The first time I sat with Bah on a bench in Grand Bassam, Ivory Coast she said,
"I am told, I look like Rihanna."
That one flew over my head, because I had no idea what Rihanna looked like, and truly do not care. However, passing this cover of Esquire Magazine in an airport, I stopped and sort of thought to myself, then took this photo.
"That looks like a whiter version of Bah."
"Bah is indeed, a black Rihanna."
Bah is better looking, especially naked, and 10 times blacker, she is a piece of beautiful glowing coal. I think probably the smile of Rihanna is better, but all in all Bah is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen up close in my life.
I love how Shakira danced, and swayed, before she became famous, when she walked around on the stage in her early movie videos, it was a true moment of beauty. Unfortunately, both Shakira and Rihanna seem to have been painted on the wall now, and lost their brutal beauty, that wow.
It truly is a horrible thing for me to date Bah, it is like getting paid 50 dollars per hour to work in the USA, then later having someone offer you 10. It just makes 10 seem less than good money, like the person insulted you
I am spoiled for life, my eyes see insults, I cannot look at any woman without thinking of Bah, maybe that is love, maybe it is lust, but I know it is more love than lust. Bah is not the easy girl to love, she scares me, she wants to be my boss, and I admit, I am not sure I can keep from being her slave.
I am sure many men know this, but we are the weaker gender, many women tell us to jump, and we say with our actions,
Women rule the world, they run 90 percent of the small business on the real planet, the 85 percent, that is not over-developed, like the USA.
It is embarrassing to see American men, I cannot stomach being around them, when any girl or minority says jump, they jump, they have completely lost their dignity, sold out to women and PC Generation. We suck up to people less fortunate, and women.
The American man apologizes for looking at women, too stupid, any way you do it, God made man to love women, to ador, to appreciate, and unfortunatly we must eat of the apple in the Garden of Eden, we obey, and say how high to a few in our lives. But no man should apologize for thinking a girl is beautiful, and looking, is weakness, and what is destroying the planet.
I have allow 3-5 women in my life to give me orders, and never a man, no boss human, or money has ever controlled my life.
Many readers send me hate mail, try to provoke, try to get into my brain, and I continue to say exactly what I please. I know I am uncontrollable, many years ago in Fort Wayne, Indiana an older man, a very rich and prominant citizen in pushed a small piece of paper across the table to me at a rich mans lunch.
"Andy, you will always have trouble with women, you are uncontrollable."
I sort of hope that is true, but know I am weak, Bah is always playing ping pong in my brain. I talked on Skype with her yesterday, and I am damaged goods. I will be this way for another four days.
I do not talk with her often, maybe one time per month, and she is always angry with me, "When are you coming back to Africa?"
Do not think she is poor, she is rich, she is powerful, and as I understand, she has no desire to live in the USA. I have dated about 10 girls abroad for longer periods of time, and none of them had the least bit desire to live in the USA, their eyes were open. I truly get annoyed, when stupid, idiot Americans think that poor people will do anything to come to America, like all other countries are full of boom boom girls. That sentiment bridges on racism, American truly think they are better than other people, it is felt in thier actions and behavior, we always think we know better, it is nuts, no humilty. I am surrounded here in Guatemala by Missionaries who get their rocks off because the have more money than the locals. And, as normal, there are locals who will smile and shine them on to suck their stupid cash from them.
It is really crap to watch a 22-25 know it all American missionary, that arrived clueless and arrogant form America talk down to Guatemalans, like they are not equals.
If I am walk down the road, and Bah is on the other side, she would look at me, and wave like a siren at me, and I would come. This is a dangerous feeling, to know another person has power over me.
I cannot believe what I tell her on the telephone, what I write her, I mean it, but I am not sure, I feel like I continuously lie to her. I cannot hurt her, it is not possible, and that is one characteristic of true love.
I remember my friend Jeff, his wife was having an affair, and still living in the same house, he asked,
"Do you think it is OK to ask her to leave?"
"If you go upstairs, throw all her things out the window, all your friend will somehow not see what you did."
"I could never do that."
It took me many years to understand that, he loved her so much, that to do an act of direct anger agaist her was impossible.
Yes, I have been more angry at Bah, then about any woman in my life, but the anger was tearing inside of me, I was angry at myself, I was losing my mind.
I Have No Secrets
I am not going to show you a photo, she is not for sale. However, I feel an obligation to a few of my friends to explain my life. Generally, I do not care about the readers, they do not care about me, they prove it with their impolite comments, and bad form.
"Bad Form is British Slang"
I do not think I can ever explain this to 99 percent of the population, but it has something to do, with not lowering yourself down. If I am on a rant, or if my friend is angry, one must not notice, it is bad form. When a "Brit Abroad" is taking the piss, their attempt to wind up another friend, to make fun of people, then one must overlook what they are doing.
I am 10 times happier since I stopped reading comment, I only hope Andrew the tech is banning all the people with no manner, readers do not need them.
Strange this truly civilized behavior, to have good form, also came from the Brits, they truly have some fellows with tragically bad manners. The Brits seem to embody the best and the worst in one race.
Well, I cannot control my emotions around Bah, and that is what love should be, a small distance between madness, and heaven.
I am gratefully confused today.
I am fighting for my money future right now, I know I will always have money, but Google has become an evil empire. I want to fly to Africa, pay the 1000-1500 USD without a wince. We are promoting the Hobo Travel Community, and I am going to write 10 books, to offset Google monopoly, and lost money because of their corporate greed, they do not share, it is make money at all cost behavior by Google. I do not know one webmaster that is not angry with Google, we are not truly angry with Facebook, they just took the people with temptation, but Google is systematically denying acccess, they pretend to be friends and benefactors, then make rules for us, then they do not obey. My mother appreciated the gift they sent at Christmas, now she says,
"What happened to the Gift Google used to send?"
"They sold out to corporate greed when they went public."
I will finish my first book by October 20th, 2012, I have the editors now, and we are signing up new members to the travel social club, more or less a Facebook social club for serious travelers, people who want to dream, and go meet their own Bah, or learn how.
When the book is finished, when the first book is finished, I will have pushed my brain through the learnning gap. It is a tough gap for a person who cannot see bad grammar. Aand I do not give a F, what you think, I will do what I say I am going to do. I know I am uncontrollable, except from Bah and maybe one other girl I know.
I am often amazed how many people are cynical and mocking when I say I am working on my Backpack, or writing a book. It seems that people would go into their rooms, and write, and write, and lie to the world by ommission. I have one project I have been working on now for 25 years, and I am still making progress, I will never stop.
It is the same as the travel blogger who says, "I did it for my friends." BullSh33t! You are too afraid to try, and fail, too afraid to put your name on something until it is a proven success. People who succed greatly in life, never give up, and claim who they are years before it comes to pass.
I feel unbeatable, because anymore, I never quit, it is no longer my nature. Yes, I can elect to quit, that is my will also, I quit on the USA, I gave up at the Keystone Ski Resort on my country, the USA, I will not longer participate in their buy, buy, buy, and buy more to prove nothing culture, I am ashamed of the USA.
Maybe one day, the USA will make me proud again, but I should stay away until I am proud to call this country my friend, I must have good form and keep my mouth shut, I will avoid the temptation to talk about the USA.
However, something more important than a country is on my mind, and that is a woman. Countries will come and go, but women are once in a life time. I just thought about the Lord's Prayer, I guess that line, that says, lead us not into temptation, that is always more important than anything to me. I know the man in the mirror, must be proud to be the man in the mirror, I cannot afford the luxury of doing things I am not proud of.
Saying my opinion makes me proud of myself, when I say my opinion, and everyone is angry with me, I am proud, I celebrate my bravery. All it takes for evil to thrive, is for good men to say nothing, I believe that.
But to allow idiots to have an opinion, is to lower myself to their level.
If I read something by a man, and I always agree with that man, I know they are lying to me, I know I should not trust them. Well, I keep wondering if I trust Bah, I think I have my answer, that woman will not placate me even a little, she is my Coal Black Rihanna, that knows she gets what she wants... aagh, how high Bah?
I guess I need to work hard on my book today, and get done ten times more than normal done, but how high to jump today? My inner scorecard, has Bah looking on my shoulder and writing, she is demanding piece of coal.
You should never look at that piece of extra long muscle, on the butt of a girl from West Africa, it is not something you will ever see in America. It is pure African, and like a handle of lean muscle.
I never tire of looking at her, she is something of beauty, and her spirit is like a wild animal, she is dangerous.
Time to work harder today, time to make my way, time to finish this book. Writing a book of 225 page, maybe 300 is to have the same thought for weeks, months, or years, and never stop until you have the beginning, middle and end, until you have a complete thought, and longer than anyone around you on one specfic subject.