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Haiti Only has Love Hotels

Haiti is a country that only has love Hotels, I truly dislike looking for Hotels in Haiti, and the guidebook is worthless. I think I carry it like a baby that has a tight grip on a pacifier, I have been sucking on it for years, I am not sure if I can give it up. It is always a good idea to carry a guidebook, there is a wealth of information, just not always what you need. Hmm, I had no faith in the guidebook; I did not even look in the guidebook to see if Mirebalais is listed, funny, I just do not care.

2 + 2 = 4

I think I put two and two together, I am figuring out these Haiti Hotels

First of all, I cannot think of a justifiable reason for normal tourist to visit Haiti, but I think it sounds better than Jamaica. This country is a boring version of West Africa, all the same crap, however none of the true African culture, no tribes, just modern culture wrapped up in Africa mentality.

Type of Hotels in Haiti

1. Business Love Hotels
2. Expensive Love Hotels
3. Cheap Love Hotels

Bottom line, you got a better chance of getting laid driving a Mercedes, than a Ford. And if you take your girl to the most expensive, Hotel, well you paid for it, you have optimized your chance to close the deal.

Port-au-Prince, Haiti --- Sunday, January 3, 2010
By Andy Graham of
Travel Gear

Business Love Hotel
Anyway you do it, you got to call these expensive Hotels full of United Nations, Non Governmental Organizations, Missionaries, and workers from somewhere love Hotels. Think about it, somebody is getting screwed, these Hotel are full of the misfits of society, with big pay checks, spending somebody else’s money. Trust me; you do not want to understand how this works.

There is not a Hotel in Haiti worth more than 40 U.S. Dollars, however all these workers on a mission screw the people who donated money. Yes, we know how this works, why not spend the 150 Dollars per night, it’s not my money. They just do not get it, it is their money.

Search for Hotel in Mirebalais
I get out of the van, looked across the street, a big white building says,
“Hotel de Ville.”

I think, why not, may as well give the most convenient Hotel a run, there is a minus zero reason to comes to Mirabalais, how could this Hotel be expensive. I walked up, somehow the same as Miragoane, the Hotel de Ville is the Mayors building, I thought it was strange to have all them derelict men in front talking, trying to look important in front, there was too many.

Next I try the Taxi
I walked up to the Motorcycle Taxis, this became dumb and dumber, I said,
I do not think the word “Hotel” in French works, you must include the definite article in front, or the word has no spoken meaning.
“Low Tel.”

More or less I have said the word Hotel in French maybe a 1000 times in Africa, I know this word works, but it does not work in Haiti, I tell you they do not speak French, they keep telling me they do, but I think they Spanish and English. They start to speak French, then by default revert to Creole because it is so close, they get confused.

I finally shrugged off the groups of Motos; they were reverting into the mockery problems of African people, truly an annoying idiosyncrasy. I walked away, no need to listen, no need to give them the time of day. This annoys Haitians, I think the all too stupid for words whites that come here respect everyone, the give respect when no respect is needed. This causes normal people problems, the disrespectful people expect respect, truly a conundrum.

Followed by Moto
A Moto follows me, this is what I suspected, the one that understood, needed to allow the others to do their mockery things, then decided, enough is enough, it is time to do business and came to help. He took me to a good Hotel, I cannot complain. I said I want a Hotel “Pas Cher.” I said 500 Gourde, he took me to one for 600, it was ok, even had a shower. When we walked onto the porch, there is a man, the Haitian version of a gang banger who is playing with himself and his too loud stereo. I can see he is disinterested, I walk up the stereo, turn it down. This gets his attention; they are often asleep with their eyes open. I go look inside one of the rooms, there is another empty room, and however they cannot find the key. The girl uses a DVD to slip the lock, I look at my door, yes, this will work, I do not feel secure, and there is no love here, just another screw.

Love Hotel
This is number 3, the cheap love Hotel, they do not want overnight guest. They rent the room, the sheets, the smell for about 100-200 Gourde for two hours. The Haitian-African people use it for about 30 minutes, unless they are drinking, a very quiet bunch. I get nervous in Love Hotels, they can be loud, and I remember the racket in the Arequipa, Peru. I wish I would have had the electronic equipment I have now, to say the least, Peruvian Lover are noisy, hard to believe how quiet these Haitian-Africans are, truly as if they was not there.

Love Hotel Economics
If they rent the room to me, I would pay 500 for a night, they rent the room five times in a night to lovers, and then the Hotel earns 1000 Gourde. If they do not have extra rooms, they lose money renting to me. Now, always keep in mind, the more a man has to pay, the more likely he is to close the deal, this causes room price inflation. Girls want to know you paid for it, one way or the other; they want to see the money on the table.

Down the Street Motel
I could see another sign down the dirt road that said Motel, so I walked down there. Upon arriving at the Motel, I see it was rather a long walk down a concrete path, truly looked like a Love Hotel, you know, you hide. This is the operative thing about a Love Hotel. Nobody should be able to figure out; you went in the Hotel with the wife of your best friend. Garage Hotels are better at this; the Latinos are more into wife trading than the Haitians. This country is very conservative, which is a good thing.

Back to the Town Square
I walked back up towards the city square, a nice Black women from Brooklyn comes up to me,
“Can I help you?”

I said, I am looking for a Hotel, she points at the Mirage, it cost 70 US Dollars per night, is every person in Haiti too stupid. She is nice, I ask her, I want a room for 500-600 Gourdes; she starts to ask her two young girlfriends, she is Jehovah Witness. I said, this price of Hotel is normally this price because they go there with their boyfriends for boom boom. I know the girls know these rooms; however, they just refuse to believe a White person does not want to pay 70 U.S Dollars for the best room in town.

I said,
“I am the only tourist in Haiti, I have arrived, the only one that is paying his own way.”

The girl from Brooklyn was nice, but never noticed one of the 10 Hotels in this village of maybe 3000 people. A man by the name of Tony walks up, he is nice, offers to take me across the river where there are two more Hotels. Ok, he speaks English and smiles a lot, a nice guy. On the way over, he says, I paid 150 US for Hotel in Cap-Haitien. I asked,
“This was when you were working at a translator for the USA Army?”
He says,
Funny, everyone close to the United States Army screw is, this is an institutionalized system of the USA, and everyone agrees to screw.

He took me across the river, and truly wanted to help. There was a big house, some American purchased from Wisconsin. And for some reason they allow a groups of people to live there. He says, we can give you a free room. I am looking for the catch, there was never one; Tony was truly a good guy. This type of person are 1000 miles apart here in Haiti, (The country is small.) there is always a catch, on the other hand, he knows that Americans come and spend big, give jobs to people that not produce money, American just burn money here in Haiti. It is a non-profitable spending of money; just make noise money, the NGO’s in action, on a mission to spend good people money in ways incredibly stupid.

The Room
He talks this big guy, who thinks he is a basketball player to give me his room. I sit out in back of the house talking and watching a couple of girls wash some clothes. I am doing and interview with Tony, I want to decide if this is worth the risk. I must accept a certain level of annoyance, for this good offer of a free room.

I watch this girls washing clothes, interviewed Tony, asked why, who, when, where, what and why, and then asked
“How much?”
I needed to confirm, he again says the room is free, and after looking at the five girls roaming around the place, I thought, this house is more about love than that the love Hotel, so why not.

Love Shack
Tony is a Christian guy, I am sure this is convenient if he wants a job with Americans. But he truly was trying to help me, but I am not sure what is up with the house. I told him bluntly, this music up front is not what I want in life. He assures me this is temporary. He wants to take me to see clinics, schools, dentist, and many situations the white people from the USA paid for, including the house with a room. He is wise, you never know if another American is going to adopt a city, go home, and get all his well-intended friends to pay the taxes for Haiti. Hmm, schools are paid for with tax money aren’t they?

They clean the room, which means they put a sheet on the mattress with no sheet. I walk in put two bags of water on the nightstand, and thought to myself. That is nice; the big guy left two condoms here, ready for the five girls outside. I am truly tired, my eyes hurt. I lie down; this big guy comes in the room four times while I am sleeping. I finally realized I am sharing a room in this shag pad; I am competing for room with a group of boys. However, there is a worst problem, there are mosquitoes. I walk across the road, buy a can of insect killer. I go back and spray the room. No kidding, I think there was 100 Mosquitoes in this 12x12 room concrete room, truly they must not like Haitian people, or maybe he falls asleep drunk every night.

I spray the room down, watching an uncountable number of mosquitoes dying. I walk out front to allow the room to die. There is a group of men up front who have assumed the position; they are sitting next to the loud speakers at the bar in front of the house. Everyone is drinking, this town if full of alcohol. I went up the street; it is time to look at the two hotels on this side of the river. One was empty, nobody to be found. The other wanted 40 US, and the place was deserted. What happens is this, they have a big bar area below, and the upper part of the Hotel has rooms. The people pay a lot, then pay a lot, and everyone is in love, truly more of bar, than a Hotel.

I came back to the room, the big guy is bugging me for the room key, he does not own a thing, and I own 100 times more things of value than him. I decide, this place is infested with dumb and dumber, I pick up my bags, put them on my back, he does not even ask where I am going. I am sure Tony is distraught, he truly wanted to do me a favor, and just the rest of the men in the house had no desire have the big guy give up their love shack space. I think they all live for free, the white people from Wisconsin pay for the condoms…

Walk in the Market

I walked towards the city market, truly a big Saturday Market, it was great, and I wish I was not carrying too much weight on my back. I am hot, my t-shirt is soaked. But I know, markets sometimes have hotels for vendors that are not love shacks. I also know, no self-respecting United Nations worker spending our money would live in this area; they would never associate with the people they came to help. This means the prices would not be over-inflated. I walked and walked, the market was great, but no Hotel. I clear the market, and went down a hill, then up the hill and around the corner.

A boy ask,
“What is your mission?”
I say,
“I am the one tourist in Haiti.”

He does not know the word tourist, however is bright, speaks good French, and small English. I say, I want a cheap hotel, for around 500, he again points are the Mirage, the 70 Dollars per night hotel, about one month’s wages for an average Haitian person. He is a good listener, I get tired of being asked these “Mission” questions, but I know the locals truly do not get to talk to smart white people; I need to balance out the genetic pool sample by allowing conversations. He is willing to walk to me to another Hotel, he takes me to the Hotel with the long path of concrete I was at before, but was afraid to enter. We walk into the cave, the woman is wide awake sleeping, and with great effort she comes and starts negotiating about the number of days and price. I finally said, I must see the room, this is always too stupid, I guess people in Hotels for love, do not care, they just want a room, they know the experience is Haitian, Wham, Bam, Thank you Mam, this is not love, it is a business.

She shows me the room, she is warming up, she has too many babies, truly is bewildered, why is a white man here, and if he is here, he needs to have a women. I rent a good room for 500 Gourde, and then she tells Samuel my new assistant.
“This is for sleeping.”
Go figure, this is by definition, the normal reason to rent a Hotel room, but truly, all the Hotels in Haiti, this is secondary priority. Remember, we are in Love Hotels; love is the priority of value, not sleeping.

We talk, we go around and around, finally I grab the 500 Gourde back from the sleeping wide-awake lady, and this always makes people wake up. I say, I will rent the room for 24 hours, for 500 Gourde. She speaks only Creole, Samuel is translating for her; of course I now have the 500 in my hand.

She wants me pay 500 to sleep, and another 500 to live in the room during the day.

I do the universal hand sign language for love; I take my index figure and push it through a ring I made on my other hand. I said, this Hotel is Boom Boom; it is a Hotel only for Boom Boom. I can be brash, harsh, and strict, anyway you do it, you understand me, and you must wake up. She got the idea, she took the 500 and said I could spend the night for 500, she even fixed the fan, and she warmed up. When I told her, this Hotel is 100 percent for sex, this annoys here, everyone in the world dreams of having a nice hotel, with patrons who come, spend the night, and the place is enjoyable. One day they accept, they are just one notch above a brothel, by telling her I want the room for 24 hours, she again has her dream, a normal person wanting a room for sleeping. She remembers why she built the Hotel, and is happy, but economically poorer.

This is the room; it is one of the cleanest Love Hotels I have stayed at in Haiti. The shower, the toilet, which is shared, is bleak, but she has a bed pan in the room. I am sure there is a proper name for this needed item, I am sure my mother knows, but I just do not care, if I was writing a book, and you donated money, maybe I would know the word for this.

(Ever think about it, if I annoy you, you might click on something that pays and leave this page. This is the sad part about the internet; the way to lose money is to give great content. I do not make money by you reading; I make money only when you leave.)

Truly a good Hotel in Haiti with a shared toilet and shower, which needs a bed pan, the alternative is too disgusting to understand. People will walk out of a room, and truly defecate and urinate anywhere that that is not in the room. The best option is to give 100 percent convenience, and hope they will not dump the bed pan. They just do not care, I suppose on any given day here in Haiti I see 50 men pissing on the wall, they bunch up close to the wall, it goes down the wall to their feet, not sure they are with the program, but this is what they do, why do they stand downriver.

I have a quiet fan, 24 hour electricity, the father you are from Port-au-Prince, the more stable the Electricity. I have a mirror, a table, chair, and it is quiet, the asking price was 500, I did not have to negotiate, except to make the women remember it is Motel, not a Brothel.

I like Haiti at the bottom rungs of society, I do not like it at the top, the higher I go up the food chain here in Haiti, and the less I like the people. The bottom of the ladder, the normal 90 percent are great, but anybody that has more than two sticks to rub together is a natural born con man.

I met Tony, and Samuel today, truly good boys; Tony is surrounded by a group of men who want to be gang bangers in Miami, then work to get deported. I am not sure why he is associate with the Love Shack. Sadly, in my opinion, Haiti is less than 5 years away from becoming the same as Trinidad, full of urban clothes and urban crap, trying to be too clever. I wish we could complete remove the American music influence from the world.

Well, anyway you do it in Haiti; every Hotel is a love Hotel, whether they are screwing the system, screwing their church, or hopefully just their girlfriends it is all about screwing. I am glad, Haiti does not have sex tourism, there are no tourists, by default, and this is not possible. Haiti is very conservative; it is not a loose country. I see many lovers, this is a good thing, and they are good people, with no education, like a bunch of third graders running around making whoopee.

I am starting to realize, coming to Haiti is like returning to Third Grade, the education level is flat lining at this level.

Addendum: Later that night I met up with Tony on the road, he took me back to meet his family. A very educated group; there was three people in one room that spoke English. This is more people in one place than I have experience in almost two months of travel here. The educated sector of this country learns English, they must, and the French is of little value, the French left many years ago. These families are like finding a needle in a haystack; I come to see what is easy and obvious to find in a country.

Haiti Only Has Love Hotels