January 2013, I am Andy Graham from Orland, Indiana, I have traveled now for 15 years, and visited 90 countries.
Why I am not Marrying Bah as of Now
I traveled to Ivory Coast in December, 2012 with the possible goal of marrying Bah, a girl I love very much. I gave her an engagement ring, and asked her to marry me; I believed this was the best thing for her life. I told many friends before I arrived in Ivory Coast, that I am entering into negotiations, and I meant it, I was not joking, I was serious as hell. I believe all relationships should be negotiated before marriage, not after; it is a contractual, lifelong agreement. Whereby both parties to the contract need to understand what they want from the marriage.
I have pulled away from the table, I have left her in Ivory Coast, and I am now in Togo, West Africa. I am waiting for her to understand my needs, maybe change, there is always hope.
I am 57, she is 27, and I realized, many mental midgets believe I am too old, or she is too young. This seems to me, a childish way of looking at humans, people can be old enough at 21 to marry, but they are not old enough to make a decision to marry and older person. Generally, the older the person, the wiser, and less problems in life. The bigger problem is sex, energy, and passion, older people are boring, and are in the process of giving up on life, this is not me.
Now, as a person of 57, the younger the girl, the more benefits she offers to me, so a 27 year old girls is an outstandingly good age.
I unfortunately have an incredible amount of true grit experiences under my belt, this makes me face reality, it is almost impossible for me to have this delusional, romantic, love conquers all problems view of love, or marriage. In the end, I know that loves does not conquer all problems, oops, maybe I am wrong, yes with enough love, or dysfunctional needs, a person will change, grow up, and become what the other person needs for marriage.
I am on highly uncharted waters for me; I have never married, and have never failed at a marriage by getting a divorce. My goal is to find a mate, a girl, which will share my days for the next 20-30 years until I die.
I have negotiated with six girls in my life to marry; I have purchased two rings in my life.
I have watched, observed, and analyzed why people get divorced now for over 30 some years. I truly avoid dating divorced women, with children. I do not mind if they have a baby, I do not mind if the husband that died, but the married and then divorced ones are normally damaged beyond acceptable limits. I can marry a girl that has never married, and see no reason to date the divorced ones, marriage is a very selfish thing, we must do what makes us happy, and never enter into something less.
To explain this, I must explain what I want from marriage.
1. I want to share my room, my bed with a girl that is younger than 35, and hopefully from age 25 to 30.
2. I want the person to be above average in honesty and almost German strict in how they want to manage children, babies, or long-term marriage decisions. For example, I know when I talk about divorce, many people get angry, like I must accept that they are divorced, the truth in German logic levels is this, I do not have to marry a divorce person, it is 100 percent my option, I do not need to compromise. I do not date, or have relationships with divorce women; I do not even enter the game.
3. Playful, loving, huggable, kiss and touch girl, who holds my hand, preens me, and I preen her. One who laughs at my jokes, understand my quickly way of thinking and does not get angry at me when I think too much, just leaves, and goes into the other room. Basically, a girl that understands, that a relationship is me, and her, and the rest of the world does not exist anymore, we would become one, against the world. Our battles are fought together, and we play together, whatever the rest of the world wants is for us to decide, whether we accept, or refuse, we are one.
To explain, I must I can give to a marriage.
1. I will keep my body in a good as shape as possible for my age of 57, and growing older.
2. I will give financial security to any girl I will marry. I refuse to enter into any mortgage, or financial contracts that binds me to one location on the planet, I will buy a house, or car, but only if I can pay cash.
Note, I have considered buying a small home on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala, I can do this for 10 thousand dollars. I am thinking about having 5-6 of these free and clear owned homes around the planet.
I truly believe borrowing money is in many ways sinful, it is the cause of all problems on the planet.
3. I will be a fun person to play with, never serious, unless it is time to make adult decisions, but generally, 90 percent of the time is allotted for play. I am rich in time, and play, and time to read, watch movies, and explore the world.
I would be happy to support, love, and raise a child, hopefully less than three.
Why negotiations broke down with Bah?
This is all fuzzy to me, full of emotion, love, and caring, I truly do not want her to feel any emotional pain. What she wants from me, I cannot give. The sex, love, caring, and body is all good for her, I am physically the same level for the most part.
I believe that women run 95 percent of all relationships, and in the West Africa, Ivory Coast culture, I believe it is 99 percent. More or less the husband makes the money, and takes orders from the wife. Mainly because he is just a selfish, overblown child, who is incapable of stopping drinking, or playing with his friends. Therefore, Bah expected to rule me, run my life, and to have me agree, and in exchange she believes she needs to grant me sex in return.
I do not drink, I am adult, I do not need a wife to take care of me, I need a wife for friendship, and to share the day.
Generally, humans have this back up lie system, it is annoying to me, and I do not tolerate it. For example, when I ask friends,
“Do you want to go to the movie?”
Instead of saying,
They give me a lame lie, some excuse, and fail to tell me honest answers. I am fully, 100 percent aware, and believe that people tell one lie every 10 minutes.
To be friends with me, a person needs to know, and be aware, I am going to be a gentle man, with kindness, and with ruthlessness when needed, stop the lies, until they realize, they do not fly with me, I do not just overlook the big ones, or lifelong, damaging ones.
When a girl gives me a hokey story, about why she bought the shoes, because she does not understand her own vanity, which is an OK lie.
When, we make a decision to meet at 10:00 am in the morning, and she shows up late, she needs to tell me the truth, so we can solve the problems and not repeat.
We are all doomed to repeat problems, unless we openly define the problems, and agree to test new and possible solutions.
Generally, Bah refuses to openly define our problems, and does not understand the problems. She sees her side, but I do not believe she sees mine. She tells me some stories, some half lies, and wants me to look the other way, this is 99 percent of the time OK, but when a person wants them to cough up the exact truth, and they need to spurt it out, in protection of the relationship.
I do not believe Bah trust me to make the best decisions, she believes that I will agree to change, an allow her to control all the decisions, as is the custom of 90 percent of women on the planet.
Generally, most people on the planet believe they can get away with their lack of honesty. Well, 50-70 percent of marriages end up in divorce; the world has a bad track record.
I know the house mortgage thing is a problems for USA people, but I do not care, they is an epidemic of financial idiocy inside the USA. While 70 percent of the planet does not buy on credit, they are correct in my global view of things.
Generally, and I have no idea on how to deal with this, people want to believe they are smart, and somehow all of us are equal. Well, we are not all the same intelligence, and I have not met many people as smart as me, who can look the tiger in the eyes, and make the best long-term decisions. I do not make quick, hasty, romantic decisions.
I love Bah, I want her, and want to learn to need her, I wanted to form an interdependent relationship, that would allow here to have all her living conditions and children goals come true. I am capable of making her live better in Ivory Coast than 99 percent of the people there.
Intelligence and education is of no value to people, I have an overabundance of these two things. What I offer of value to her is security and love, caring, and softness that she has never experienced.
I am capable of making all the bad noises, bad feelings, and brute forces that enter our world to disappear. When I am with a girlfriend, nothing enters their world that causes them normal discomfort. I have a strange power to make the people in my life safe.
I think 99 percent of people on the planet believe,
“I make my own decisions 100 percent of the time.’
Which we do, we make our own decisions 100 percent of the time. Or, we are 100 percent responsible for the decisions we make.
Yet, there are subjects, or topics, where I will defer to other people, and trust their decisions more. I have talked to my Mother and Father many times about marriage. They have been married for 60 plus years, and I avoid and negate the value of my divorced friends for advice in this situation.
I can give expert, 100 percent great travel advice to people, and 99 percent of the time, the people ignore it, that is their choice. 1 person in 100 internalized, and accepts, and understands, he or she is capable of seeing answers that apply to them.
Bah more or less refuses to allow another person make any decisions, she makes decisions that cause me grief, believing it is her right to make them.
One thing I have learned from my Mother and Father, people that truly love and respect each other, refuse to do something that would hurt the feeling of the other. This is a radically difficult concept for humans to understand, but a mate always have veto power, to only be used when necessary to protect the relationship, and always for the good of both.
We are all in this life together, we all share space together. I often see people close to me typing away on their cell phones, and think, this person does not feel any obligation of respect, or kindness to their fellow man. When a small child enters my world, with respect, ask a question, they deserve an answer, and respect in return.
When Bah talks to me, I need to listen, and try to understand. I think she wants to marry, live in Ivory Coast, have 3-6 children, and have me give her money. She wants to be high status in Ivory Coast, and she wants to respect by her sister, Mother and Father. She wants all her friends to look at her with respect.
I think Bah has lost respect for me, because I refuse to become a person of status in the eyes of an African. I am American, and do not care about the USA people.
I only care about that man in the mirror, I wake every morning and respect myself.
Maybe love does motivate people to listen, and change, or maybe it is fear of failure, I do not know.
I will say this; I am quite angry, and tired of hearing Bah tell me she is praying to God. I believe God gave people the power to change, and he or she can support the person, but no God is going to come carry the ball for her, she must do that on her own.
People use God as an excuse for laziness, as the answer to all problems, as if God is going to change the world for them. As best I can see God does allow evil to exist, and does not stop it.
People make many excuses, and give the responsibly to God, then fail to use the God give powers they have to make change, as if it is Gods fault, they are a slacker.
I love Bah; I believe she is a normal human, who wants me to agree to make decisions that would make her happy, not 50/50 as is a marriage.
I am happy, and life is good, and there is no shortage of girls on the planet, but there is only one Bah, she is special.
I am uncontrollable, I only say yes, when I agree to say yes, there is no way any human can make a clever maneuver that induces me agree.
I am a weird soul walking the planet, and this crapola about there is one person, for every man, is a worthless platitude, a lie, we say to make ourselves happy.
Life is what it is, no more and no less, I love life as it is, not as I want or dream it to be, I love today.
I wish I could stop bargaining with myself, this is sad, an endless wave of thoughts in my head. I am doing the right thing, there is always hope.
I truly wish the world would stop with the me or you decisions, and make decisions for what is best for we, or the world. Always cognizant, that nobody needs to agree, accept, or change, it is their choice.
There is my way, your way, the right way, and the highway, the path to salvation is always intuitively easy to accept by the introspective mind, and hated by the selfish mind.
Andy Lee Graham
Well written, well thought out. In 1980 in NYC USA I joined the 'grandfather' of todays Hospex sites, i.e. Couchsurfing, since there was no e mail, members received in snail mail a monthly bulletin and since members were in Europe and USA/Canada mostly I sent a snail mail a month ahead if I wished to be hosted and vice versa, in 1982 and 1983 I then traversed Western Europe with a minimum of small hotels, which could be booked at kiosk if train station upon arrival to any large city in Western Europe, as well had distant relatives and friends of Polish exiles and refugees (Poland was under Communist Government then)in 1982 arrived Warsaw and was a introduced to a beautiful 21 year old woman, I was in my 30s then, began courting her and was invited to stay in her home with her family upon my return several months later, we carried on a courtship by snail mail in between and in 1983 to make a long story short, we got married and 3 months later she came to US on a refugee visa, got her Green Card 6 months later, I was now tied down and to make a long story shorter she began running around with Polish exile men, I had rented an apartment in a heavily Polish American area of Brooklyn so she could adapt, then she brought her Mother and Sister over on a one way ticket to live and left our bedroom and began sleeping with her Mother, my Mom advised me to get rid of them and I did,however they had extra keys and cleaned me out while I was a at work, a year later received final Divorce papers in mail, we finally made up and became friends and she, who had been a Nurse in Poland, helped me out when I got very depressed and began self medicating and it was a learning experience. No rencor. Here in Central America many young ladies want to 'marry me' they think I am ticket and visa to USA, I say No. Maybe soon will meet someone grown up for companionship, living alone does get tedious sametimes especially around Holidays, anyway best of luck to you and happy travels.
I think go back to the Philippines to find a wife. :-)
Wow, lot of heavy thinking here Andy. I agree and disagree with it. We all have our idea of a wonderful life with marriage and for some it works and for others it doesn't.
I absolutely agree with negotiating before marriage but that is only because when we are young and going into it the 1st and sometimes the 2nd time it just doesn't happen. We learn from our mistakes, or should. Wealthy people today understand this better than most as they set up a "prenup" to protect their assets.
I am willing to bet that the vast majority of 1st/2nd time western cultural marriages are based on great sex prior and that is why so many fall apart later on. I know mine did as have others that I've known over the years. Man is a sexual animal and smart women know this. They want family, security and things that are nice things. It is not until later man comes to realize that he would be better off single and and getting what he wants without marriage.
Just look at the daily news most anywhere and we read about business and political scandles involving older men that involves another woman. History continues to repeat itself from cave man to today.
If I would not have been married, had a couple of kids I would probably be a millionaire today. I am now comfortable but way below being a millionaire. Companionship with a good woman is fun and now I have finally in my elder years found one that meets my manly and emotional needs without any "I want this, I want that,etc". I am also a reasonably healthy 75 and enjoy all the good things in a happy marriage. I like you Andy wanted a woman 25/30 yrs younger but with some life experience and she has that.
My wife is 25 yrs my jr and we get along great partly because I have learned to say, "Yes honey" regardless if I mean it or not. She has learned to say "OK" if I say no to something.
Also we have a language problem, no we have a language solution that works.
I speak only a few words of Chinese, she is learning more English but for now we speak a lot with body language, gestures.
What really makes this work is we end up laughing a lot and then go on our merry way. No atguments as we don't understand each other when angry and start laughing again.
I do not plan to learn very much Chinese (or if I do I will not ever let her know I have) and I do not reinforce her learning English.
We are happy. We have been married now just over 3 yrs.
We all have to find what works but unfortunately we again usually find good sex and then let it all go to hell. Other than the sex the other main problem in marriage is money but that's a tale for another day.
Don't give in on your values Andy that you have come to build over the yrs as they work for you. If you get married consider a prenup or just walk away and let her have it all, whatever all is.
My favorite motto that has guided me for many yrs now is an ancient Chinese proverb maybe? made by the great Chinese General
Sun Tzu over 2500 yrs ago:
"I burn my bridges behind me,
therefore I always advance." Live life witout dragging old baggage around.
Good luck Andy.
I have a friend who until he got into his 50s kept repeating his bad history, 4 times he married foreign women. 4 times all they really wanted was the green card. 4 times later he finally found where his brain was hiding and is now happily with a younger woman, not married, 20+ yrs younger and has enough money to enjoy.
Age does usually make us wiser but we do have to pay the Devil his due.
I am not looking for a wife, therefore I would not go to the Philippines looking for a wife. I have always met nice woman, and truly do not want to get married, it just seems sort of selfish, and silly at 57. I do not need, or want children, but would enjoy them. Bah is my girl, and in a way, she always will be, no matter what happens. I wrote this post to help people who read the blog closely to understand. It is not looking for a wife, or a solution, all is good in Andyville.
Great you have found someone you feel that way about :-) Im glad you are at peace with these events in your life
Andy: I feel your pain. And I understand the check list of must haves in a mate. If we could all simply order-up the person of our dreams, the divorce rate would not be so high. At some point, you have to weigh the good and the bad and decide whether your life would be better with Bah. If so, then go for it. If not, then keep traveling, and burn that bridge behind you as Bill99 said. Don't keep this young, naive girl on a heart string.
Always remember, and do not ever forget ... the perfect person does not exist. You can travel the globe and interview/date/negotiate with every woman and none of them will meet your every desire. And YOU will not meet every desire of the woman who loves you. So, before you make a snap decision, you must take a personal inventory.
You live an extra-ordinary lifestyle. If you have someone who is willing to travel with you, to share that lifestyle, then you have found gold. You may be cute and charming today, but in 10 years, at 67, you will look, act and be, a very different person. If Bah truly loves you today, (it's not about money or green card as Bill99 mentioned) then she will love you at 67. If you had children, that would change the dynamic of your life and provide you with experiences only some could imagine. That too is gold.
I am only 43 year old, very attractive, educated woman. I left the US 3 years ago and cannot imagine going back to the hustle-bustle. But living in foreign countries can be romantically lonely. My list of "must haves" changed when my lifestyle changed, changed as I have matured and looked deeper into myself. Life is short. Take your happiness where you find it and stop questioning, and "negotiating" with your blessings.
On another topic...you mentioned buying a house in Guatemala for only $10,000!! Do you have photos/descriptions of homes that typically sell in this price range? I need to know more. Thanks.
DMac where would you be that you are lonely? I ask as I have seldom seen an intelligent, attractive woman anywhere I have traveled that was lonely. I grant you it can happen for a short period of time but I have nopt seen it over a long period.
Just curious and you need not answer if you don't want to.
Also I agree children can be an experience, as for gold that depends on many factors as they grow up. I had problems with my son but now that he finally reached manhood he turned out very well but high school was hell. I was a single, older parent, Marine vet with some pretty set rules and we did go round and round for about 6 yrs. There was no gold at that time.
For a lot of people there is never any gold.
Bill99, I have lived in Mexico for the past 3 years. Before settling here, I spent time in Nicaragua and Spain where I felt very lonely because I was not surrounded by like-minded people, or people I liked. I came to Mexico on business. I never intended to stay. But I became friends with nice people and decided that I could be happy here. I didn't question it and have not regretted the move. My point with Andy is that sometimes we have our minds made up about what we must have, when what we need and what we already have is enough.
Thanks for your post Andy! It hits the mark in many. many ways.
I am glad you have come out the "other side" without bitterness and with a clear view of your relationship with Bah, her needs and wants, and your own needs and priorities.
Maybe the "romantics" won't appreciate your "logic" on this area of life in general, marriage and relationships, but I do. You have a keen ability to "step back" and look at yourself and emotional issues with clarity and not get sucked into a negative emotional vortex which it could easily have become.
Thanks for the thinking, the writing and the sharing!
Hellooo Andy! Thank you for sharing your situation with Bah. Here's what I got from what you said:
She is 27 -- so she has had 27 years of input from her culture, family and day to day life of how things are to be. Period. It's all she knows, all she's been taught, all she has seen.
You are 57 -- you come and go as you please. This is the complete direct opposite of how Bah has been raised for 27 years. This is not going to work. I don't like seeing you in anguish over this, but the reality is, in my opinion, that YOU cannot change 27 years of input with Bah. You would never be happy with the way that specific culture lives, and you have said so. You travel and have fun -- most women have an internal desire to "nest." This is not conducive to endless travel. It is the rare bird/woman, who can be ok with no nest. This nesting is not something we decide we want to do, it's already inside us pushing us to nest/make a home base. Now, having a home base and doing some traveling wouldn't be bad at all -- could be fun. But I surely wouldn't take a wife to any dangerous places -- your job is to protect her and keep her safe, in my opinion, and not to put her in harms way.
You have your criteria for what you want perhaps relaxing that age specification and looking for someone who has been around the block in a relationship, understands relationships but just wants to travel and be free, would be the person for you. Not every woman wants children -- children are an anchor they need stability and security. Your lifestyle is not really about that at all from what I've read. You are a free bird who wishes to fly where he wants, when he wants, however he wants. Probably time to back up, and rethink the criteria -- perhaps let God bring you the person he wants you to have :)
All the best to you and be safe in your travels my friend!