India It Is Here Delhi, India Asia February 12, 2007
I have realized, anything I want, anything I need is here, there or anywhere. What I need or anyone needs is always within our grasp, it is always close.
If a person needs a God, if a person needs crazy, if a person needs a wife, if a person needs to be free from some imagined slavery, what they or I need is in our grasp. There is a wonder of travel, there is a time I believe when a person realizes he or she if free. I make the choices, the choices are not made for me, and what is expected of me is my own mind working to make happen.
I am approaching home, the place in the world where everything is ok, where everything is normal of me, the world where I was raised and defined me in the culmination of my sum of all experiences.
Therefore, because I can imagine, I think of a warm bed, no holes in the sheets, a land where things are quiet. The maddening quiet of the USA.
I am responsible for being here in India for the next two days, it was my choice, it is my responsibility. It is also my choice to enjoy or be annoyed by Delhi, India. Every place has a label, some label this place as wonderful, I would label it as a disaster zone. That doe not mean the other person is not correct, it is wonderful to many people. However, if I want wonderful it is here, I am sure if I want it.
I laugh sometimes at my first thoughts, in Nepal or in India people often put a - Tika - or something on their forehead, between their eyes. Often on a pretty girls it is an alluring, intoxicating attraction, then other times there is this big blob of red on their foreheads, and I think in an uncensored mind. - What is that S .. t on your head? -
I do not know, I heard a comment yesterday that was as brutal and blunt as and uncensored mind could be commenting to m about the culture of Nepal, or maybe India.
The man from the Netherlands was an outstandingly happy man, the smiles radiated from him in every step, yet he was also able to say and admit what he thinks. He was a free person, nothing told him what to think or say, I admired his brutal comment.
If a person says what they think about a country, another person will inevitable say they have no right to say that. I vacillate wildly about the rights to free speech. I do not like to hear the Islamic crazies say things, and I am sure they do not like me to say the - Islamic Crazies. -
Who is right, who is wrong, neither is right or wrong, however, what is horribly wrong is when one of them feels guilty when having a thought.
I have a prevalent thought when in India. - Wow, what a crappy place. -
This thought is too powerful for me, and I must and need to accept that my self-talk about India drowns my ability to enjoy the place, I am just not able to make the best of it. I also here people talk about India like they just met God and shook his hand, said hello, then won the lottery the same day. It is annoying to me, however, I am sure they feel wonderful.
I had a person ask me if I would return to Nepal, and I said, - Sure, it is in the way. -
Nepal is in between Europe and Southeast Asia, it is in the middle and to me hard to avoid. The person wanted me to say I would just fly over it and avoid it, I did not see this or understand why a person would avoid what I consider constantly, - Wow, what a crappy place. -
I told this quiet miserable lady, that was volunteering with orphans in Kahtmandu these comments, then I said, I will be in the USA in three days and all is good.
She says, - You lucky man. -
I am thinking to myself, you constantly are trying to induce me to somehow way Nepal is great, yet you think of me as lucky to go to the USA. I do not think I am lucky, I think it will be different, she was obviously torturing herself and constantly trying to convince herself she was in some wonderland. I on the other hand just called it the way I saw it, said what I think, she censored her own feelings and thoughts. She was a very annoying person to me, the Dutch man with his happiness and uncensored thoughts was great.
I have this collection of identifiers of what is a develop or undeveloped nation or culture. It is all on a continuum, from developed to undeveloped. I am trying to add an identifier, or label it, I must make it a label of define it, however, I listed to many person in Nepal saying or hoping.
- I want to go there. - - I do not want to be here. -
It could be the USA, it could be Europe, there was just many persons in Nepal that did not want to be there. I do not want to be in India, I want to be in the USA, I want to skip this thought.
In primitive cultures they dream of paradise. In the rich countries or highly developed countries they dream of paradise. The dream is different, I know my friends dream of winning the lottery.
Many travelers dream of going somewhere, this is like wanting to buy things, it never ends, a person cannot buy enough to ever be happy. I cannot go enough places to be happy. I satisfy an endless curiosity, I change the channel today on my life, or I change it tomorrow. I know I can always change the channel. When I am living in one location I keep trying to change the channel. I purchased a ticket to the USA about two months in advance. This was a terrible idea, I hope I avoid this action in the future, I hope I do not forget. I was on the channel of Nepal too long, I had to watch the station too long, I was bored with the place, another 30 days and I would have learned to despise the place.
The plane ticket defined how long I would watch the channel called Nepal. I need or should buy one-way tickets, there is also the problem when I am on good station and should not or do not want to change the station and the ticket has defined the time when I change the channel.
Somehow it is here, somehow it there, somehow it is anywhere, there is always a way to change the stars.
I listed to many Nepali people, - Ttalk and dream of leaving the country. -
The opposite is also true, people pay large to go and see Nepal. Then dream of returning when they leave.
I think it is envy, to crave or wish for what another person has, to covet the other persons life or possessions.
Covet: to have a strong desire to possess something that belongs to somebody else (2)
I guess that is my point, I should never want something that belongs to someone else, because it world require this person to give it to me. I need to dream and want only things I can give to myself. When a girl in Nepal wants me to marry her, I know she wants me to give her the happiness of living in the USA, it just seems like such a silly dream, as I know or feel she will not be happy. I keep thinking, you need to find a place in Nepal where you find it easier to be happy. However, she is dreaming and hard to stop dreams.
I hear a man spitting outside my window here in Delhi, and I dream of leaving.