I feel like I have been sleeping in rice paddies. I think of soldiers out in the jungle for weeks. My room has air conditioning, color TV and Cable, HBO and all that, however, it does not have hot water. The room air conditioner is great, what the problem is I am too cold to take a cold shower. Outside the room it is wet, then rain, then slop, then rain, then back into the room. The monsoons are hitting hard outside. Yesterday, visiting the Taj Majal it was rain with a broken umbrella, and sleeping under the stoops of the Taj Majal waiting for the rain to stop.
Andrew and I had to stay in Agra for 8 hours walking around in the rain, no way to feel clean and dry. Our only solace was to visit a Pizza Hut, where there was Pizza and music too loud.
Andrew ask me what I would do after he left, I said,
- Hide in my room, until I fly to Mumbai and leave for Africa. -
There is an overwhelming of the spirit that sometimes happens to me. Some countries are over the edge, they feel too much. The only solution is to enter my controlled situation, my Hotel room where there is a limited amount of stimulation.
Question Mark, I was explaining how the man from India, the owner of a Hotel in Varanasi, India said,
- I can never leave India, it is a question mark. -
Feeling are difficult when the only feeling is a question, too many questions and frustration settles in, then a person must accept there is no answers to the questions. Probably many of the glassy eyed travelers, searching for God in India, see the questions or unanswered questions as spiritual. The place is full of strange situation.
I have been trying to ask Andrew to explain the purchase of the train ticket to Agra to see the Taj Majal. It was an ironic strange, never-ending chain of events.
Too many feeling, too much of this, I think of Paul Simon, singing in a song,
- I have my poetry and my books to protect me. -
I would go crazy reading poetry; however, I do have my HBO and Books to protect me. Drifting off into the fantasy of a movie, or reading a Wilbur Smith Adventure book I see the dreams of places I visit.
It is better I live in a dream and fantasy, then to stop and see, however, then I open my eyes and I see what is in front of my face. I need a good ego defense mechanism to protect me, wish they still existed for me. I think my drinking removed all of them, nothing less to protect but acceptance.
(Paul Simon in the song of protection was referring to New York City and the overwhelming of the streets.) India Feelings