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Why am I Grumpy
Saturday November 26, 2005, 4:22 AM
I feel like a Grumpy Bear.
There are telltale signs of problems for an Alcoholic of problems. I have been sober for over 18 years; therefore, I sometimes forget I am Alcoholic. I am an ex-drunk.
It really is not true, I see so much Alcoholism in the world it is impossible for me to not think or compare myself to the problems with alcohol that always surrounds me. There is a presently a brilliant mind here in the Hostel that I talk to daily, his brain is rather soaked in Alcohol, how can I forget.
There are signs of problem on the path leading to a person becoming and alcoholic and there are signs along the path back to starting to drink. When I was first trying to get sober, I would say,
�I have a five minute warning.�
Something would trigger me, and I had to somehow convince myself to not drink and remove the ability to drink fast. Something would trigger me and I would need a drink, although I wanted to stop, I needed a drink to be emotionally ok. I suppose there are triggers or thresholds in me that is sort of a low or high level frustration and anger. When I reach my limit, I drink.
There are signs along my path, I have a unique path, and everyone is different. I must watch on my path to see if the sings are there, and I must stop myself from walking down the path until I reach the point of no return.
Now that does sound melodramatic, I am maybe on a one-YEAR warning system presently. I would have to ignore and be very self absorbed for one YEAR before I would suddenly go off the wagon and drink.
I used to wear this gold small pennant around my neck, it said,
�Balance and Engage.�
This was a fancy way of committing to having or saying to myself strongly, I need to have a balanced life and I also need actually engage in life, take risk, do what I want, and live a normal life with no fear.
Therefore, why am I grumpy?
Why do I know I am grumpy?
Because I see or feel the signs that lead me, back to the bottle. I have some abstract feelings of familiarity. I feel like I am in a familiar way along the path. I remember feeling this way before and it makes me scared. I cannot drink, I would die.
I have had a few readers comments on blog posting that were both true, angry, and dysfunctional. I was lucky in the last week to moderate the blogs and not let them become active provoking comments on the blog, blogger.com now allow me to moderate comments. This stops readers from being hooked by some idiot or dysfunctional person out in never never land looking to provoke an argument.
It is humorous to me as most of the provocative statements are in someway saying I am an idiot, or I am not perfect. I want to say,
I fully accept that I there is a God and I am not him.
Well, they says some really mean intended comments, short, too quick, harsh and not well thought out. I blog the same way sometimes, however for me it very hard to just stop all of my thought. This is my journal, I am not going to stop thinking to make this person happy, however they can ignore me when I am off the wall, I cannot spend my life returning to my thoughts to edit them and I am not about to live an edited life for some reader, who should get a life and read someone else made to be unreal and un-believable blog.
One-person comment and then another person comment on the same idea. The told me I need to get a better guidebook. Now this comment although seems at first thought valuable, it really missing the whole point. It has no ability to empathize with an actual long-term traveler. A tourist wants to tell a traveler how to travel.
Yes, there is some good advice here.
The truth is this.
�I need a guidebook.�
I do not need a better guidebook, I need any guidebook, and I just need a guidebook.
I am making more money, I can buy more plane tickets, I can travel faster, and I can visit more countries quickly. However, I cannot buy guidebooks as fast as I change countries. It is very difficult to buy and carry guidebooks. If I purchased the guidebooks I needed for the last month, I would need.
Southeast Asia Guidebook.
Hong Kong and Macau
Moreover, it would be great to have the USA, Caribbean ones to get prepared, and South America.
I have two ways of seeing points of interest in a country.
1. I read a guidebook and go look at something, I follow the directions.
2. Someone sitting in the Hotel or Hostel says, I am going to go do this, and I listen and then I go do what sounds interesting to me,
I have been in Singapore, Macau, Manila, and Hong Kong. There is very little of interest to me in a big city, I am a country boy, I do not like cities, most of the things of interest for the travelers is normally drinking, partying and being stupid. If you think I have a boring travel life, you should listen to some of the other travelers. Or think� do you think I am negative; there are people that drink themselves silly on a regular daily basis to avoid thinking, there are some superior negative people traveling.
Therefore, with my newfound success, I am also finding new problems. With the new problems, needs to come new solutions. How can I get a guidebook, buy a guidebook fast and carry them. These books weigh a lot, it is impossible. I need to either travel slower or not move until I find a guidebook or find a solution.
Many people do not have a guidebook, and some of the more experienced travelers are snobs saying.
�I do not use a guidebook.�
I personally use anything I get near, brochures on the wall. Postcards in the Hotel to send home tell me what to do; I read them books full of recommendations. I get on the internet; I do anything possible to figure out something to do or a path though a country. I have or had one guidebook in the last month and that was on Hong Kong. My gut tells me this Travel Writer lives in Hong Kong and knows very little about the planet. It was like a Five Star Restaurant guide. I could not figure out where to go and what to do without reading all 400 pages or studying the stupid mans book.
Time and boredom is my problem.
The internet is worthless presently as a guidebook. I would have to spend 10 hours in the internet to learn or figure out what I want to know from a guidebook in 15 minutes. I am not going to spend 10 hours reading or perusing around the internet to find the best hotel to live in and then figure out where to go visit. The guidebook is my answer.
Clarity is my answer.
When I am clear on where I am going and what I am doing and then I am happier.
Solution to guidebooks problem:
I just purchased three guidebooks about the Caribbean and South America; they are being shipped to a man in the USA that has a company that scans books. I am hoping he can scan the books, then email them to me. I am hoping to keep the cost under 50 dollars per book; the total cost including the book should be under 50 dollars. A very expensive guidebook, however trust me 50 dollars is nothing to make sure I am in the best cheap hotel, the having the best time and to plan my next country. Most of this has to do with planning.
Signs of frustrations.
There telltale signs, what are my telltale signs that would lead me back to drinking?
3. Lack of serenity because I am not clear.
4. Avoidance, or staying in my room and not doing things to avoid thinking.
THERE ARE thousands of signs and muddled together.
However, in my world, in my nutshell, there is one sign I pay attention to, when I am not clear on what to do, or how to do it, if I am muddling around trying to figure out solutions too much, then am not in a good space.
I have had trouble taking photos and posting them on my blog lately. There are many reasons for this; however, who really cares, I am working on solutions to them as I am working on solutions to my cell phone, my guidebook, hiring people to work on my WebPages, and many other small problems of life.
However if I am clear on solutions, then I am happy and serene. If I have the proper balance of fun and work, friends and conversations, the proper balance of problems, challenges, and solutions. I will be happy, more or less, one day at a time.
Most casual readers want a snapshot of life. A perfect dream picture of travel. A total idiots view of how the world is or should be and dysfunctional to the point of absurdity. Honesty is the solution to alcoholism or dysfunctional behavior. I must and need to look at myself and try to see if there is a problem. Be honest with myself, get in touch with myself and find the solutions. I will not go into this much, however for sure there are groups of people that are free and can help with these types of problems. A person is not alone, there are many wanting solutions, go get help if you need help�
The world is one big dysfunctional mess, in love with each other for our dysfunctional behaviors and constantly being a mess. This is life and normal, nothing new, all these problems and solutions is what makes life worth living. A perfect looking Singapore is one of the most boring places I have visited on the planet. Perfection is not perfect, imperfections is perfect, and the acceptance, that we are not perfect.
I am not going to drink; I am still ONE YEAR away. I am aware of my thoughts, my actions and my feelings. I am just a very grateful man that has too many choices and makes too many projects. I need many things to do to enjoy the day.
I really try my best to not sit around and blog about my WebPages or some projects. I think this is a little unfair to me. Why should I write a diary and write what readers want to read about, I should only write about what I am thinking about and not edit or hold back.
I say and think, I need to ignore that people read my blog. However, let us be real, it is impossible and very difficult to ignore. To actually ignore, I would need to remove the ability of person to write me or post comments. Then I could ignore the readers because they could not reach out and touch me� hehehe.
I like the help the give me, so I thank them.
I have a lot of fun and analyzation laughs at the Techies that read the blog. 50 percent of the persons that read on the internet are self-absorbed, have no life person, which live eat and drink on the internet and totally avoid living their lives. Believing they have all the answers and that everyone should just listen.
I know I have no answers, therefore I am free. I am just having fun searching for new problems and new solutions.
Worry, I am worried about my WebPages. It is becoming an 800-pound Gorilla. The blog is only about one-half percent of the site or sites. The blog is about zero problems in reality unless Yahoogroups.com just cuts me off or something stop working, then it become a focus or annoyance.
What I want is a web page that runs itself, no work involved and I earn tons of money for doing nothing. Nope, my 800 pound Gorilla needs fed, nourished and understood. I need to pat the head, try to help it and hope it along the correct path. If I feed it correctly, it can help me to never stop traveling.
I am very grateful to have 22 hours of playtime in my day and 2 hours of work. When a person writes me and starts to tell me how my grammar is bad, or how I am stupid, or some other great things. I sit here and think, I am sitting here on the other side of planet, looking at beautiful girls, Islands, and all sort of crazy things. I read a book every 4 days and do about anything I wish to do; I have many problems, frustrations and am not a perfect person. However, I could bet� 99 percent of them nasty comments come from someone that spends 8 hours a day reporting to the man. Obeying, answering and working, doing something they hate and when they get a chance, they go and tell a person that is doing nothing he is stupid.
I am grateful, I have the time to just ramble and think, I have the time to just try to figure out whey I exist and what I am doing. I have the time to live my life. I do not have turkey sandwiches. I wonder if I can buy them in the Philippines.