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No Push No Pull

2005-06-29 03:27:00

No Push No Pull
I am in the Louna Hostels in Parnu, Estonia; I am feeling somewhat strange, hard to think of what I feel. I woke this morning as I do everyday of the week, walked to or went to find a place to type on my computer. This Hostel has a very large dining room, common room, kitchen, and for some reason, there is nobody in the room. Therefore, I came in and plopped down on the large comfy couch, turned on CNN and checked up on the planet, just as I would in my Home in Indiana. I have sat here now for about 15 minutes thinking about why or what I feel. I finally tagged it, I feel relaxed, hard to believe it, there is nothing happening, no push, no pull.

I do have a little pull, however not a biggie, I purchased a ticket for about 10 U.S. Dollars to Riga or Riia, Latvia as they spell it here for tomorrow. This is a commitment, however a commitment I can change or stop, or just ignore and buy again later. I have already changed it one time, because I instantly realized this place was perfect for me to finish my newsletter. The internet works in the Internet Café, I am still in Estonia, and the place is quiet enough to think.

Overbooked Hostels
I am presently not in an overbooked Hostel, I was in Rapla, Estonia in the Joe something and not in an overbooked Hostel, I had the distinct of present feeling that they are not going to kick me out of the Hotel. Ok, it is a Hostel, not a Hotel, however the place in Rapla, was a Hotel, so many distinctions, there is no clear word to describe this type of accommodations.

Europe is Overbooked

Overbooked: take too many reservations: to take more reservations than there are seats or places available in a place.

This is not true actually, they are fully booked, there is no room for error, hard to just hang around, and they will kick me out if the place is too full. I must make a commitment normally when I will come, and when I will leave.

This is my dilemma, how to figure out a way to just wander around Europe without having a plan.

This is like going to New York City, you need to know where you are sleeping one hundred percent sure or you will be sleeping in your car or on the park bench. If you are a millionaire then maybe this is not a problem, being that you or I are not a millionaire and price is a concern, then we must pay attention.

However if you want to Wander around rural Indiana, or around anywhere in the world except a city, then it is very possible to just wander. To think, to go, as you wish, to play as I wish, no mother calling me to make me behave, I can do as I wish.

I just thought I am always around a group of diehard hate their parents, fight establishment, disobey and get too drunk rich college kids. However, I just realized, they all want extreme organization, or they would not enjoy this type of life. I on the other hand I am wanting, or thinking I want organization, however fighting for a place where there are no plans.

This is it; I know for sure, there is no way to be organized. I have accepted in my life, that I cannot control and do not wish to control. Hmmm… Maybe I do wish to control something, I want to stop them from trying to control me, or more as if I want to control the situation so I do not feel like they are trying to control me. This is why the arrogance around me is so funny; they are wanting to walk into situation where people dictate their lives.
This is my constant feeling, why do I have to spend all my time organizing my day, when I do not have any need to be organized. I can go, stay, leave, do as I please, there is no priority.

I accept that my life is unmanageable and I am powerless…

Translate that to…

Maybe it is correct, and I am thinking wrong.

I am thinking the Europe world wants to manage my life, and they have the power to control my life.

I was talking to Val in the Old Town Hostel in Tallinn, Estonia and he was telling me that he is completely booked for August. This is Eastern Europe; it is suppose to be less Europe. The French guy in my room, Vincent said something last night about me calling Eastern Europe, “Europe.” He seem to not like me calling Eastern Europe, ”Europe” he does not look at Eastern Europe as Europe and I was sure hoping that Eastern Europe was not like Western Europe.

OK, Estonia is only one country and surely not fair to think about this as all of Eastern Europe. However, Vincent finally said, well it is the same, however cheaper. This is as modern as France is, however cheaper, I would add, not much.

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