MY GUILT

MY GUILT

Friday January 14, 2005 8:08 AM

I am feeling guilty today, waking up a thought in my head like maybe I did something wrong. In times like this, I say to myself.

“I forgive myself and I forgive others, please forgive me.”

There is not a day in my life when I do not have a thought or do something where I feel a little guilty. I am constantly, consistently in a moral debate with myself on how to take the next best step. Travel is very easy if you live in or are part of a world of debauchery. This means if you drink, party, live the high life, with no care for people, being an immoral person life on the road is easy.

To live on Khao San Road with the young disenfranchise youth is a challenge. My best effort was recently to live in the D & D Inn and totally hide from the Thai people and the tattooed, body pierced, shaggy headed individuals that are totally stone, or drunk, working their best to have sex with anything that walks, whether a slapper English girl or a paid to play Thai girl and my endless mental debate.

Why is Khao San Road full of lady boys working as prostitutes at 1:00 PM until the early morning? Why is this street not full of normal girl and not the boys dressed up with like girls? I am supposed to be in the NON-sex industry area of Thailand. I am with the youth of the world that are out having kicks. However, do they create a huge market for, or are they the market for Homosexual sex with Lady Boys. These lady boys exist in great numbers on Khao San Road and they have nice dresses. They have money and someone is paying them. This means that somebody on Khao San Road that looks like just a normal person and is trying hard to act heterosexual is really having and paying for sex with a Lady Boy.

I may have lost my mother and father here….
A Lady boy is a boy that dresses up like a girl. They may get boob implants and cut off parts of their body to become a girl. They look like a girl and for sure it weird feeling to look with lust at a very attractive girl and find out they are a boy. Hard on the mental system and is confusing.

MY GUILT
Why do I feel guilty? I am thinking maybe about Andrew. He is going to move to a room with a private bath. We are living in a hotel and he has a room with no private bath. I am not sure if he showered yesterday and I am not sure how he is going to the toilet. I am worried that I put him over his head, or put him in uncomfortable situation.

My friend Bruce St. in Fort Wayne, Indiana says or quotes.
Geez, I forgot… the quote…
Let me thinks, it has something to do with feeling uncomfortable and probably was from Winston Churchill as he is a big fan of Winston. Funny two of my best friends Gary and Bruce S. are big fans of Winston.

I guess it is manners.
It is bad manners to make a person feel uncomfortable.

I truly believe that it is bad manners to make a person feel uncomfortable, now some of you are feeling very uncomfortable reading all of this typing, but remember I am just writing and you have totally choice on whether you continue to read. I am not making you feel uncomfortable.

Andrew is feeling very uncomfortable in his present room and I found the room for him, therefore I feel guilt or I feel maybe I have had bad manners in expecting him to live in a room with a common toilet. Some of you will be having a big chuckle that has traveled to India. Andrew has never used a squat toilet in his life, I found this very hard to believe, but will stop there.

Nevertheless, I am feeling guilty and have now found two guidebooks for Andrew, and walked around to a few hotels with him. I have made sure he has enough money to rent almost any room in the Khao San Road area. I talked Mr. Joe into giving him free internet access so he can resume his world of techy and get back on the computer as probably is normal for him. However, the bottom line is he is not comfortable, and I am responsible for him, therefore I feel guilty.

Truthfully the only way I would ever feel safe and totally free of guilt would be to put a person in a 5 Star Hotel, because in the end most people never feel comfortable traveling. They need to go home, where everything is under control, I hope they do not discover their own homes are dirty.
SECOND GUILT
Tsunami guilt. I think or protract on my brain, what should I do? What should I Andy do to help the Tsunami effort to help the survivors? How can I help the people with missing people feel better?

This is where I do that justifying thing; I am going to tell you what I have done to relieve my guilt…

I would venture I have had a “Missing Persons Page” for about 5 years. I have never heard of or seen a “Missing” page on a travel site. I am the only internet page, which is a TRAVEL SITE… I am not a missing person site, the missing person site, and I do not collect money to help people that are missing. I have a missing person page and have had this page for years because I recognized that travelers came up missing years ago and well before any huge catastrophe, I addressed the problem.
OK, so now I am a little less guilty feeling.

Note, I am in the process of adding 311 new links of all the countries in the world. I am thinking they are on the site now, but I have to check. Here is my missing person’s page if you want to report missing travelers or tourist.
http://www.hobotraveler.com/missing.php

MY TSUNAMI GUILT
I wrote in my last letter about how I would give ZERO to the Khao San Road police and sent this out to 5000 people…. Aagh. I inadvertently focused on what I will not do and not on what I should do.

I accentuated the negative.
There I hope like a good diary I have finally chunked it down to what I am thinking.

I should not accentuate or point out the negatives of a situation. I should not deny them, but I should not help people to be negative. Now I travel all the time and Police corruption and keeping people is ten time a worst problem than this Tsunami and this donation effort will just make it worst, I do not feel guilty for telling people to not give to Khao San Police and would think a person silly if they did so.

BUT they should give and give big if they can, but they need to not panic and give to just anything to relieve their middle class guilt. Give to the Red Cross. I see the Red Cross in every country and they do well, they are not just talking, they have clinics, trucks, and are working. I see them in action everywhere. I do not see the United Nations in action; I would not give to the United Nations. I see the Peace Corps in action; I see them trying to make the world a better place.

I said it in my newsletter for people to give blood or come and be a tourist here in Thailand or Indonesia. I am in the near future travel down the whole coast and document the trip. Spend my tourist dollars.

I am torn between pointing out what I think is corrupt and telling people what I believe is correct. This is my blog, or my diary, and to be real I have to pretend readers do not exist and resist the temptation to make myself look like some good person. I could weave a picture where I care for all people and love them all and this is crap, I like Thailand because of the beaches, I can live cheap, and I have minimal amounts of hassles from the Thai culture. I am not that fond of Thai people and would trade them all for South Americans in a heartbeat. But then again Europeans are worst than Thai people, so there is no perfect world. I suppose the worst culture possible is an American Hippie like too rich and spoiled with dreads. This has got to be the worst wanker on the planet.

COMFORT AND CHOICE
Andrew just left my room, I gave him some money to live on for the time he is here, he already had some but now I gave him a good lump sum. Not that much, but a little more than I have lived on for a daily basis. I gave him 15 dollars per day to live on and this is twice what I have had per day in Thailand for most of the time I have lived in Thailand. However, of course, I do not drink alcohol and travel slow, so life is very cheap. I am trying to give Andrew the travel backpacker experience and would venture 15 dollars is par for the average backpacker that does not smoke marijuana and drink alcohol and Andrew is a normal India University kid and does not seem to care about the party life, really he cares too much about the computer life.

So now I gave him this money and he says he is going to think about whether he moves or not….aagh! I am not sure what happened. Maybe he now has a feeling of complete control over his life and he does not feel uncomfortable. I am sure that it feels better to be completely independent of me, I would not want to be dependent upon him and why would he ever want to feel dependent upon me.

Well, traveling with other people is always an experience; you need very flexible people to be a Hobo Backpacker. If the toilet is broken, you cannot panic, if you do not take a shower for two days that is life, if you have all your stuff stolen then you had all your stuff stolen.

I live better than 90 percent of all the other backpackers, I choose a better quality of life than they do, but they would say they live better. Many times, they move everyday and think they live in better hotel. However, in reality, the moving everyday is torture and so stressful, I can see why they go get drunk and stoned constantly. I would be crazy if I moved every day. Andrew does not want to go to Phuket until next Tuesday, I guess he wants to go slow and not see everything. He has a guidebook and most people would spend there time dreaming about exotic things and I am surprised an Indian boy is not spending his time dreaming about Thai girls. But what am I thinking, he is a great person and you take a great person and put in the middle of Chaos and they will remain a great person. You take a person that looks like a great person, but is not and put them in Thailand and they will become who they really are, and whoremonger and a drunk.

I suppose Khao San Road is a modern cannery road, full of both Saints and Sinners, and according to how you look at these people, they are the future and present scum of the planet of the future leaders. Steinbeck was brilliant in showing both the noble and trash, coupled to be a human. Good and bad, the human in the raw.

MY GUILT

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