READER ASK - What makes me tick? Or tock?
I wrote last time to you, "are you running to somewhere or away from somewhere".........I do not know what made me ask you......probably the Autumn mood setting over me. When you get to France you and I will be experiencing kind of the same weather....fall, that is. When I smell fall in the air I get retrospective so I can try to realize and avoid repeating in life the mundane habits that we as humans get caught up in. You on the other hand do not sit still enough for anything or body to catch up to you. Now as I stated above, I try to eliminate the mundane, but I also have a need to know and feel that I am making a difference some way each day....hell, It could be just from moving the furniture around, but at least I changed the perspective of my living room. What I'm getting at is........I feel sad for you.....that you don't have a place that you feel you need to beat every once and awhile because; you're life is so elusive that you aren't needed to anything or one. You have made yourself needed in cyber space for all of us who are living vicariously through you at the moment, but in and of that point you are able to keep distant....you call the shots on who you allow in your space, and if you don't like who is in your space you can either not respond to emails, or move on to country number 35 without confrontation.......I find the situation that you have consciously put yourself in, of not having any ties, roots to something or someone interesting.......makes me more curious in finding out what makes you tick.......or tock (hehehe)
Thinking of You
That was an action packed and a thought provoking. I think you defined my life very well.
I would not want you to feel sad for me, I am responsible for my choice. I am not sure how to answer and in reality think that I have learned to live with a “maybe” and not with the yes or no of life. I hope that for me I have accepted that the world will always change and no matter how much I desire the world to love me and stay the same it will not remain constant. My friends and families love remains constant.
The search for a safe place is part of people and myself. Unfortunately I have taught myself that there is no safe place for me. You find the way I tick or tock interesting, and also the sadness that I am not needed by anything or anyone, this is essentially true, but never that simple.
I do have people that love me, and I do have people that want me, and a couple that need me. I believe in reality that I have 5 time more then the normal person. This also is my safety and my self esteem and my base in life.
Love is dysfunctional in many ways. A series of needs of the other person and not wants. The proof of love is to never leave. People will complain and threaten and try to leave, but never achieve the goal. This is love to me. Never leaving.
But what you will not want to hear, and please do not write me a thousands words of why I am wrong. I will not answer is this. I am very difficult to love, and maybe almost impossible. The real control is on your side of the cyber world. I write this stuff for kicks, and lots of people read to escape their lives. I admit freely I do this for money. I want to earn enough money to travel freely without restraint. Although the newsletter has become my way of thinking and talking to myself. The readers are sort of a thought provoking curiosity and mostly a nuisance. 5 percent of letters are actually like yours. The other 95 percent want something from me that resembles a travel agent, which I will give if they send the 1 dollar. But they do not even do that, so they get what they give… nothing.
In a lying world I would tell you how much I appreciate you letter and your love, and your support. This is the lie that I refuse to tell the world. I will not prostitute myself and tell you what you want to hear. I am going to tell you the truth as best I can muster, with the hope that truth will survive. I am no sure truth has value in the world.
But back to the hard to love and impossible idea. I am extremely intense. I make the joke that explains my brain the best. “My mind is like a bad neighborhood, you do not want to enter alone.” This is me. I am not joking in reality. I have people tell me on a daily basis that I think too much and anylize too much. Short of killing myself I have no off button on my brain, so what can I do? I accept that I annoy people and leave. Some people can stand me for 0 minutes and others for a day. If I refrain from talking about what I think about then people can maybe handle a week. The extremely rare person that just accepts me as crazy will sometime learn and find me a curiosity. They do not spend energy trying to change me. I have had people immensely love me that I protected, and especially they love me when in immediate danger. But this is not love it is dysfunctional love. A need and not a want.
In the end though like you. I get up move the furniture in my backpack. Drink my cup of coffee and search for bread in the morning and go chat up a few girls in the path. Look at the sunset and enjoy a good book. I no longer feel a need to be loved, but feel a need to love. In the end the question you ask has been asked a few hundred times. When will you stop traveling and be normal? The real answer is when I meet a person that I cannot find a good excuse to leave. No matter how many times I leave or want to leave. I will go back to this person. Love is for me when I cannot leave. You look at when you travel as leaving home. I look at going home as leaving travel. I feel at home traveling and feel out of place and a need to go home when I am in my “home city or base.”
Now that was a bunch of confusing noise, and mostly an annoyance to the readers of this. Sorry. She is right though I do control the in and out gate of my world. So do you.
Andy Hobotraveler.com Istanbul and leaving for Paris, France