The Five Reasons I Argue With African Women

All is forgivable, except for bad manners.
-- Winston Churchill

Cynthia my girlfriend from Cote d’Ivoire, West Africa just crossed the Lome, Togo, Aflao, Ghana border and is taking a direct "Ford" van to the Elubo Ghana, Noe, Cote d’Ivoire border.

How do I feel, I am thinking in French so I am:
"Fah - Tee - Geh."

I have fatigue; this is "cultural fatigue" at its most intimate level. People become fatigued by the repetition of the same situations. Culturally, I anticipate that in certain situations regular things will happen. For example, upon walking up to the checkout line at the Super Market, I plan on standing in line, waiting my turn, paying and leaving, this is a no-brainer. When people walk up and cut the line, I cannot stop myself, my mind says,
"This is not correct."

I continued to assume that Cynthia would act in certain ways, we needed to compromise, I need to be less strict, and she need to move over closer to my culture.

I walked up to a frozen yogurt sales cart, and showed Cynthia how to give the person energy and make the person smile yesterday.

Cultural Fatigue
That does not mean I do anything when a person cuts line, it just means my mind thinks, I need to think when it is not normal to process, my small brain, a computer in a way needs to work. After a while, the brain overheats, becomes angry and is "Culturally Fatigued." After a while in Africa, I learn to assume people are coming to cut the line, and accept there is no sense of fair play and I adapt.

The Europeans say,
When a person does something a European does not like, they say they are bored, a close cousin of "Cultural Fatigue." This is more or less the way a European person says an American is being stupid, which is a habit of thought for Europeans.

Lome, Togo West Africa --- Friday, January 14, 2011


The Five Reasons I Argued With Cynthia

1. Not replying to me or acknowledging when I asked a question.
2. Not saying, "Hello."
3. Not saying, "Thank you."
4. Not saying, "Please."
5. Taking without giving.

I open doors for women, I often stand at a door, holding it open while about 2-15 people walk by, I often can be heard to say,
"You’re welcome."
"You’re welcome."
As the people pass by, and nobody says "Thank You," I will say,
"You’re Welcome."
(A subtle insult.)

Once in a great while another person will say, why do you open doors for women or people and my reply is this,
"My mother is watching, and I want her to be proud of me."
"She expects me to be polite and have good manners."

Five Reasons to Argue with Women Explained:

1. Not replying to me or acknowledging when I asked a question.

Explained: This is a result of taking, without reciprocity, without feeling a responsibility to the other people in the room. When a person enters the room, I acknowledge their presence. I am not from New York City, I am from Indiana, I want to share the room, and I do not want you to leave.

Cynthia was 100 percent willing to ignore me, for any reason, for example when she was playing on the cell phone. It was not just me, when she would walk up to vendors, the vendor would say something, and she would not reply or even look at the person. She wanted to think, she was taking her time, and she was willing to force everyone around her to wait. I agree with the concept of making vendors wait for me to think, but there is no reason to suspend manners.

She is African, she is not from Indiana, she feels zero compulsion to acknowledge other humans, this is normal for her, it is not normal for me.

2. Not saying, "Hello."
Explained: See number 1.

3. Not saying, "Thank You."
Explained: See number 1.

4. Not saying, "Please."
Explained: See number 1.

5. Taking without giving.

There are a couple of trap doors taught to people:

a. Unconditional Love.
b. To be able to give love without having love returned.

First, love can be given unconditionally to a person, but the way the person behaves in presence is and will always have conditions. I can 100 percent love a person, however when the behave badly, they must leave. It is not love to allow a person close to you to behave like a jerk and treat you with no respect.

Love without receiving, to give and give, I can give to a beggar, I can give to almost any person on a temporary basis. However, true friendship comes with a price, I must try to give back on about a 50 / 50 basis, if I have a friend, I want to let them know, I am here for them, and will help, not just take.

Truly, I get pissed off at religious people, they expect me to listen, and without a hint of acknowledgement, they are taking my time, and giving me nothing in return. Talking at me, is not giving, it is taking, talking with me is to acknowledge me, my time, and give me respect and stop talking when it is annoying people, to have good manners. There is no requirement issued by God, that says, I must listen to people talk about God.

West Africa is permeated with Religion; there is absolutely no reason to send Christian Missionaries here, unless you want to stop the spread of the Islam religion. Then maybe there is a need, but generally, this region reeks and is drenched in religion.

Religious Rock Music
I try to ignore people playing music; people playing music are about the same as people who smoke. They believe they have a right to make me listen to their music. Smokers believe they have a right to make me smell or live with their smoke, the smokers are learning; the people with music are becoming worst. Now these stupid Smart Phones and Cell Phones can play music.

- I am going to jump to another subject, I have a devised a test to see if you can be an Adventure Traveler that deals with humans. I just added another ability needed the ability to shut the radio off in a taxi, whether taxi drive wants you to or not.

I have never watched television in West Africa until recently, and while watching television in both Ghana and Togo, I realized, this is not just normal MTV crap style music videos. I have never watched or listen with enough focus, but 90 percent of the songs I am listening to are religious songs, wrapped up some Hip Hop behavior. There is a rock and roll music here, that is hip hop and religion wrapped up for sell.

The Pastors and religious fanatics have always used a transfer approach to the religion. They use the love of music, to try to relate it to the love of God or Jesus. A couple religious friends of mine call this "Worship." I call it a very good marketing program, which often interrupts my ability to search for understanding.

Ok, Ok, Ok, enough of the Rant
I had enough yesterday of Cynthia, I wanted her to understand, I want her to give, not take from people. She prays before meals, she prays when she wakes up, she believes praying is being a good person. I personally suspect anyone who prays nears me, it is the first sign of a controlling and corrupt person in my mind, she is good, and she does it without me noticing.

Yesterday, I finally got to her, it took me telling her about religious principles, and I had to hit her over the head with bible stuff to get her to think. Gee, you would think some of these easy principles would pass test, and be learned, and accepted, but they are seldom internalized. Yes, you can see the bible thumpers being nice to other bible thumpers, but I want them be nice to everyone around, and for sure realize to stop annoying me… please.
I said to her,
"You need to give people good fruit."

I walked up to about five people in row here in Lome, and proceeded to give them a laugh. I did not over-tip or give them something that would make them suck up to me, I just talked. People think you can buy a good fruit, and give it to people, and they will appreciate your kindness, they think of you as a fool, quite the opposite. We need to give on equal terms, no upper handed giving, this is not giving, it is feeling superior.

In Ghana, I would often buy Ginger cookies, then get into a Tro Tro or Van and offer them to people. Selfishness is unbounded in Africa; I have had people try to take the whole pack. I have had people take 10 cookies, and I grab seven of them back and say, share please. There was always one person in the van looking me with curious eyes, just enjoying life, not reveling in the take of life.

After making about five venders laugh with me, she learned how I turned on the personality and had fun. Being nice for fun is a foreign concept to people; they do not see the need to be personable

I think there should be a business class at University, how to be personable.

I told her, people want to say Hello, we was walking by a man washing a car, and a small child walks by, I say,
"Ca va."
More or less, "What’s up" in English, but in French.
We hear about 20 feet behind us, the man washing the car say,
"Ca va."

She started to laugh, I started to laugh, she did not realize how much people want to be nice and reply, she ignores, and they ignore. Now, the crazy part, I will often say hello to white people here and they will ignore me, truly some nasty white people in Africa, or just so afraid, they should scoot on home and give up working for projects, they do not pass, they failed. They are returning evil to good fruit.

She left in peace today, happy and content. However, yesterday she decided to start cleaning and helping around the room yesterday, she even went and got water yesterday. I think she realized, I am more than willing to throw one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen out of the room, and out of my life.

She is used to pouting or getting angry to receive attention, at first, I thought she had some real problems, and then over a few days, I realized it was just the normal control-with-anger of the majority of people on the planet. I told here also,
"Cynthia, you only listen to me when I am talking in anger."
"I am not going to scream at you every time I want you to listen."

I have a standing policy, you start screaming, and I am not your friend for long.
I have a standing policy, if I need to scream, you are not my friend for long.
Passionate talk must be with a smile and a soothing voice.

Sweet word from a Pastor causes me to cringe, there is a never ending suck happening in church, what about normal people…? Can people also be nice outside of church?

Television Experiment
A man and a women were on our television, both holding bibles. I asked Cynthia to turn the channel, she said,
"They are talking about God."
I said,
"Turn the volume down, now look at them."
I asked,
"Are they happy?"
She said,
I said,
"Look at their face, and stop thinking about God."

With a lot of work, and finally she realized I was correct, these people looked angry. Her sense of responsibly to God, Jesus and all the other religious people stopped her from seeing or feeling.

Travelers Instincts
I have gone round and round with her, I have told her, if I do not feel the person I am talking with is happy, and has good intentions, I am going to walk away. This is a needed skill of travelers, it is what make me happy and safe. However, what begets from this concept is a lot of my harsh writing and tough or strict thoughts. I will trash new people who enter my world quickly, that means if my first impression of a person or comment is bad, out they go, no further need to involve my brain in the ugly feelings.

I on the other hand, also advise all readers to click away, if they do not feel good. I also know that evil people want to find evil and good people want to find good. I also hope the evil people are repulsed by my writing, this is the goal, jettison the trouble out of my world.

" 'My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father'"
- John 15:8
"'By their fruits you will know them'"
- Matthew 7:20

NOTE: My friend Bruce in Indiana says that about Winston Churchill quote, it may well be incorrect, but nonetheless if is good, I cannot find it when I search on the Internet.

NOTE: I argue more with American women than African women. I enjoy Asian women, they do not feel compelled to argue or control, more submissive, the relationship is more important than winning. Latinos are amicable and I am not sure how I feel.

The Five Reasons I Argue With African Women


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Reading the Bible (Or the Koran, Or the Torah) Will Make You an Atheist :!selected_item=4755

Andy, thanks for another insightful post.

I'm about your age, though not as good looking as you. I have dated beautiful women in the past. One was exceptionally beautiful and intelligent. Problem was, she was a bitch. Sex and beauty is great, but I'd rather be with a woman where we meet with our minds.

As a side note--your post was well written. And another side note--I like your misspellings and bad grammar, it's more raw and shows that you don't go through a bunch of filters.

I know that one way of teaching is by example but doesn't saying "Your Welcome" in the absence of "Thank You" make help drain your energy level? Maybe I've allowed myself to get TOO OLD but it seems juvenile and a waste of breath.

The way you describe Cynthia's behavior seems very "urban" or "European" to me as I still tend to say "good morning" or use body language when people cross paths with me while walking on the beach. Some people maintain "stone faces" absent of emotion or aknowledgement, other smile or use facial expression to return the greeting and a few whisper and say "good morning" back. My wife and daughter find my speaking or attempting to voice opinions or opening conversation in public, especially the supermarket of shopping mall embarassing or rude or uncivilized. Still to this day after 27+ years don't get "IT" why I guess being frank, candid or expressive is considered low class and uncivilized and invading or confrontational to people in public from the points of view. So I accepted the fact that I AM A PEASANT!

You're absolutely SPOT ON regarding the dynamic of LOVE almost like Newton's law "for every raction there is an equal reactions" . For many years, I'd say to my wife, "I love you enough for both of us" describing my often over emotional extrovert character and her subdued introvert character. My younger brother is the same as my wife so by the time I turned 30 after sending a lot of "love energy" toward my brother for 10 years without receiving any return I finally lacked any more to give so dropped out of contact with him since then. I have pondered upon this for hundreds of hours one thing for sure PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE much and PEOPLE DO NOT GROW UP they ONLY GET OLDER. So most of us maintain our personalities and character which were formed in our early youthful formative years.

The way you have broken down your interaction with Cynthia is interesting it seems there are subtle manipulations going on between you with the purpose of showing one another THE WAY to LIVE but stubborn "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" reactions between you. I appreciate your short summations of American, Asian, African and Latino women. One of my one liners is, "American women are intent on becoming second class MEN instead of first class WOMEN." Asian women are still women but "train" their men / husbands ever so subtlely over a period of time, like you said "care more about the relationship than winning".

Neither the public music nor the public smoking behaviors phase me at all as I can tolerate such actions so well I hardly notice the annoyance. As much as possible I follow "LIVE and LET LIVE" and know I'd die sooner from WORRY than from any unhealthy habit I develop or am exposed.

Good point you made about RELIGION using music, song and rhythm to captivate their members. I usually equate organized religions to insurance companies freeing people from the fear of death.

I am Ghanaian and can understand your frustration Andy.

African women have an entirely different upbringing and that makes them difficult to live with even as an African man. They say NO and expect you to think they mean yes. They complain a lot about other people and might want to intervene where they have no business.
Like you said, they go silent on you when upset and stay so for days or even months. Most men here know how to put up with this and will not budge but when you are the victim of their incommunicado mode, it can irk but that's just their pride speaking. Sometimes a slight beating loses the tongue. i mean that's what's done here.
Not many women here have transcended that though every religion here (and there is a sea of it) teaches them submission to the man.
The accepted norm here in Ghana (though unspoken) is to live parallel lives under the same roof. Love mostly works in the courting and dating days when you are doing the gifting and they are doing the receiving. Everything is nice then.
With work, most wives even with higher learning do not know their husbands salary or problems at work and will not reveal theirs.
The African woman is extremely sensitive to appearances and especially when in a relationship with a Caucasian, would be highly motivated to look rich on the outside even if this places a serious dent in your finances.

My experience with this is most Caucasians prefer to share whereas Africans can be married but emotionally closed to each other. where there is a collision, it is the Caucasian who suffers because whatever you tell your wife might be used against you in time. African men acquire property unknown to their wives and though you may not understand it, it actually works just fine.

It is much much worse the way they treat kids. you could say all Africans are guilty of that. kids are abused in schools, churches and the home under one accepted banner of discipline. most of it is just venting and teaching kids that might is right. any wonder why there is little thinking and more fighting over the simplest of issues?
A paring of a typical westerner and a very traditional African will never rise to be the best of both worlds. i guess to close your eyes to that fact, you need love. tons of it.


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