Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

 Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ...they found your head.

 Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

 Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle 
on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful 
overnight relationship.

 Guys...just because you have one, 
doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

 Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? 
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can 
slam on my brakes and sue you.

 Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

 
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

 
Hang up and drive!!

And Last
Welcome to America
 

  ...now speak English