Ah... The French!

 "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a  white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the  America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance and  Germany doesn't want to go to war.

 

 "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
 Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
 France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
 ~ Mark Twain

 "I would rather have a German division in front of me
 than a French one behind me."
 ~ General George S. Patton

 "Going to war without France
 is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
 ~ Norman Schwartzkopf

 "We can stand here like the French ...
 or we can do something about it."
 ~ Marge Simpson

 "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
 ~ Jacques Chirac, President of France

 "As far as France is concerned ... you're right."
 ~ Rush Limbaugh

 "The only time France wants us to go to war
 is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
 ~ Regis Philbin

 "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch
 and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens
 of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink
 little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting
 inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
 ~ P.J O'Rourke (1989)

 "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress
 of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks
 but doesn't have the face for it."
 ~ John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

 "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
 Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret.
 He is French, people."
 ~ Conan O'Brien

 "I don't know why people are surprised
 that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq.
 After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
 ~ Jay Leno

 "The last time the French asked for 'more proof'
 it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
 ~ David Letterman

 How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
 One.
 He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

 Next time there's a war in Europe ...
 the loser has to keep France.

 VIVA LA FRANCE

 From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper:
 "France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro 
Disney.

 Reason:
 Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison 
to
 Surrender."

 *******************



 If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must 
first
 convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.

 Comedian on the Tonight Show

 ******************

 Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands 
in
the
 air?

 A: The French army, of course."

 ******************

 Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?

 A: Nobody knows and no French man has ever tried.

 ******************

 Q: How do you stop a French tank?

 A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.

 ******************

 Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?

 A: So they can see the old French Navy....

 ******************

 Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?

 A: Sunburned armpits.

 ******************

 Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?

 A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

 ******************

 Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.

 A: It's a white cross on a white background

 ******************

 Q: Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World 
Cup
 squad?

 A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

 ******************

 Q: Why do the French eat snails?

 A: It gives them speedier reactions.

 ******************

 Q: How many gears in a French tank?

 A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked 
from
 behind.

 ******************

 In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from 
his
 commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the 
line of
 fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed 
back to
 his HQ. The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for 
risking
 your life to save the details of the locations of our secret
warehouses.

 Warehouses? said the soldier. Sacr' bleu! I thought you said
 whorehouses.

 ******************

 Jay Leno, a few summers ago: "France is now being hit by an 
extreme
 heat-wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to 
"stay
 indoors and do nothing". You know, like they did in WWII...."

 ******************

 In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out 
of
 NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French 
soil.
 President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk to ask 
him
 about
 the cemeteries!

 So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to 
remove
all

 U S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers 
buried
in

 France from World War I and World War II.

 DeGaulle never answered.

 ******************

 Something to ponder:

 You are the President of the United States.

 Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth.
 They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days,
 at approximately 2:30 A.M.

 The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France
 from the face of the earth forever.

 As the President, you must decide:
 Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage 
live,
 or tape it and watch it in the morning?
 

BOYCOTT

Andy,
I still eat croissants and will probably not quit French kisses. 
Thought this might interest you.
John

the French products I am boycotting.......


"...Commerce, which if properly managed, will be a better
instrument for obliging the interested nations of Europe to treat
us with justice." --Thomas Jefferson (1797)

FRENCH PRODUCT LIST (Please forward this list)

Air Liquide, Alcatel, Allegra (allergy medication), Aqualung
(including: Spirotechnique, Technisub, US Divers, and SeaQuest),
AXA Advisors Bank of the West (owned by BNP Paribas), Beneteau
(boats), BF Goodrich (owned by Michelin), BIC (razors, pens and
lighters), Biotherm (cosmetics), Black Bush, Bollinger (champagne),
Car & Driver Magazine, Cartier, Chanel, Cheese labeled "Product of
France", Chivas Regal (scotch), Christian Dior, Christian Lacroix,
Club Med (vacations), Culligan (owned by Vivendi), Daniel Cremieux,
Dannon (yogurt and dairy foods), DKNY, Dom Perignon, Durand
Crystal, Elle Magazine, Essilor Optical Products, Evian bottled
water, Fina gas stations and Fina Oil (billions invested in Iraqi
oil fields), First Hawaiian Bank, George Magazine, Givenchy,
Glenlivet (scotch), Hachette Filipacchi New Media, Hennessy,
Houghton Mifflin (books), Jacobs Creek (owned by Pernod Ricard
since 1989), Jameson (whiskey), Jerry Springer (talk show) Krups
(coffee and cappuccino makers), Lancome, Le Creuset (cookware),
L'Oreal (health and beauty products), Louis Vuitton, Magellan
Navigational Equipment, Marie Claire, Martel Cognac, Maybelline,
Méphisto (shoes and clothes), Michelin (tires and auto parts),
Mikasa (crystal and glass), Moet (champagne), Motel 6, Motown
Records, MP3.com, Mumms (champagne), Nissan (cars; majority owned
by Renault), Nivea, Normany Butter, Ondeo/Nalco Water Treatement,
Parents Magazine, Peugeot (automobiles), Perrier Sparkling Water,
Pierre Cardin, Playstation Magazine, ProScan (owned by Thomson
Electronics, France), Publicis Group (including Saatchi & Saatchi
Advertising), RCA (televisions and electronics; owned by Thomson
Electronics), Red Magazine, Red Roof Inns (owned by Accor group in
France), Renault (automobiles), Road & Track Magazine, Roquefort
cheese (all Roquefort cheese is made in France), Rowenta (toasters,
irons, coffee makers, etc,), Royal Canadian, Salomon (skis),
Seagram's Gin, Sierra Software and Computer Games, Sitram Cookware,
Smart & Final, Sofitel (hotels, owned by Accor), Sparkletts (water,
owned by Danone), Spencer Gifts, Sundance Channel, Taylor Made
(golf), Technicolor, T-Fal (kitchenware), Total gas stations,
UbiSoft (computer games), Uniroyal, Universal Studios (music,
movies and amusement parks; owned by Vivendi-Universal), USFilter,
Veuve Clicquot Champagne, Vittel, VIVENDI-SEAGRAM, Wild Turkey
(bourbon), Wine and Champagne labeled "Product of France", Woman's
Day Magazine, Yoplait (The French company Sodiaal owns a 50 percent
stake), Yves Saint Laurent, Yves Rocher, Zodiac Inflatable Boats.

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Little known facts........

  A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. 
 
  During one battle, the French captured an English Major.  
  Taking the Major to their  headquarters, the French  
  General began to question him.
 

  The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats?   
  Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"


  In his bland English way, the Major informed the General that the reason
 English  
  Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and  
  the men they are leading won't panic.


  And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear
 brown pants.